Double suck. I was already feeling the insecurity of acting this morning, and then I get the biggest rejection I've had in a while this afternoon. There is finally finally finally something being set in the US filmed in Australia (Colorado where my cousins live,) and it's a paid feature. I have been in contact with the company (through my own of course, agents don't do much for you at this stage...) and I uploaded the audition piece and sent it to them and I got turned down. Not even a call back or a reading or a consideration for a bit part.
Wow, it's a little bit humiliating (or at least embarrassing) sharing my failures on the internet for the world to see... I know it's stupid but lately I've just felt like things are getting ready to happen for me; I get excited about this anticipation for something and I don't know what it is but I feel like it's going to be great and going to be big and my passion will get to live and flourish. (Okay, I know that sounds dramatic; I'm an actress though what do you expect?)
Apparently they feel I don't have enough experience for them. I know I'm ready. I know that I'm so ready; and I know that every actor says that and "I'm an actor I can be anything, I'm Caucasian but I can be aboriginal or nintey or twelve or Indian or Asian or male or female..." Well I've never gone that far but I need to take the next step. I want paid work. Not for the money but to be validated that yes I am a professional. One of the parts was even a college cheerleader and it was only a bit part...
I forgot what the real disappointment feels like; where you read those words (or will look at a casting list and rather not read those words when your name isn't printed there), and it just hits you in the chest like it's physical and it spreads and there's this defeated feeling that just stretches throughout all of your body and into every limb.
I won't be defeated. Honestly; this rejection wasn't that big compared to other ones I have had in the past; it reminds me of pain I didn't realize I forgot and how much it can hurt. I also know that this is nothing compared to the rejection that is to come with this being my career, and the rejection that will come in so many forms and so many levels. (See; when I said "emotional turmoil" in my post this morning it was right!)
They did say that they looked at my submission a few times and they applaud my dedication and one day it will happen just "for now it's a no from us", hello door slamming in face. I'm sorry I don't mean to be bitter; I did this Strengths Finder test and honestly being optimistic is one of my strengths! Everyone has their down times and frustrations though and just needs it to be ok to be frustrated and disappointed and angry or hurt and all of that.
They didn't have to write me back at all; they said they wouldn't and that if you weren't successful there was "no need to contact them" and there would be "no further correspondence," so the fact that they wrote me back at all and actually had positive things to say was good.
It just goes back to those questions I had this morning; where would my life be if I used my other talents (and umn hello Masters Degree!), and feeling like I am wasting myself and my life and what I can do with the opportunities I have been given. I think of all the time and hours and hours I spend in class and working on scripts and researching and networking and whatnot and all of the money I have spent on it; I've given up having a career and a job and an income and my family being proud of me; what could I have done with all that time? Was it just a waste? How can I be devoting everything I have and my life to this in making it my life and still be too inexperienced for a bit part in an independent feature?
I honestly think if I didn't have those down times and questions though there would be something wrong; like I wasn't being honest with myself about the situation and I was living in a fantasy or whatever.
Anyway, it just sucks. I was so excited. Finally a chance for a real film with my proper accent and actual paid work; I have been finding the part of myself that words can't describe where I'm in the moment and the character is there and the focus and the real world doesn't exist; there is no other world; there's just this rush and me and the other person; connecting; the space in between us; the energy between our eyes, the passion and the words coming out the way they are meant to without forcing them out and really living them. Those are the moments I live for. Those are the moments I know God has given me because in some way this is what I am meant to do. I have no clue in what capacity; I just know I have to act somehow.
That disappointment though...I forgot what real disappointment is, and now that I've just touched on it I'm scared. Disappointment isn't the right word though; it's like being dumped or seeing your crush making out with your best friend.
Okay I'll stop being all philosophical and melodramatic and whatnot. It really is scary putting posts up like this for anyone in the world to read... Haha now I have to try and finish my two hander scene for my comedy class and figure out what I'm going to say in my stand up which I'm TOTALLY not ready for and pitch my television pilot.... This should be good; I'm totally in the comedy mode now, don't you think? :-p
As Randy Pausch said in his book The Last Lecture; "The walls are there to stop the people who don't really want it." And I really want it; they won't stop me. Sorry to go a bit Disney there; I told you I really do have this optimism in me... ;)
Wow, it's a little bit humiliating (or at least embarrassing) sharing my failures on the internet for the world to see... I know it's stupid but lately I've just felt like things are getting ready to happen for me; I get excited about this anticipation for something and I don't know what it is but I feel like it's going to be great and going to be big and my passion will get to live and flourish. (Okay, I know that sounds dramatic; I'm an actress though what do you expect?)
Apparently they feel I don't have enough experience for them. I know I'm ready. I know that I'm so ready; and I know that every actor says that and "I'm an actor I can be anything, I'm Caucasian but I can be aboriginal or nintey or twelve or Indian or Asian or male or female..." Well I've never gone that far but I need to take the next step. I want paid work. Not for the money but to be validated that yes I am a professional. One of the parts was even a college cheerleader and it was only a bit part...
I forgot what the real disappointment feels like; where you read those words (or will look at a casting list and rather not read those words when your name isn't printed there), and it just hits you in the chest like it's physical and it spreads and there's this defeated feeling that just stretches throughout all of your body and into every limb.
I won't be defeated. Honestly; this rejection wasn't that big compared to other ones I have had in the past; it reminds me of pain I didn't realize I forgot and how much it can hurt. I also know that this is nothing compared to the rejection that is to come with this being my career, and the rejection that will come in so many forms and so many levels. (See; when I said "emotional turmoil" in my post this morning it was right!)
They did say that they looked at my submission a few times and they applaud my dedication and one day it will happen just "for now it's a no from us", hello door slamming in face. I'm sorry I don't mean to be bitter; I did this Strengths Finder test and honestly being optimistic is one of my strengths! Everyone has their down times and frustrations though and just needs it to be ok to be frustrated and disappointed and angry or hurt and all of that.
They didn't have to write me back at all; they said they wouldn't and that if you weren't successful there was "no need to contact them" and there would be "no further correspondence," so the fact that they wrote me back at all and actually had positive things to say was good.
It just goes back to those questions I had this morning; where would my life be if I used my other talents (and umn hello Masters Degree!), and feeling like I am wasting myself and my life and what I can do with the opportunities I have been given. I think of all the time and hours and hours I spend in class and working on scripts and researching and networking and whatnot and all of the money I have spent on it; I've given up having a career and a job and an income and my family being proud of me; what could I have done with all that time? Was it just a waste? How can I be devoting everything I have and my life to this in making it my life and still be too inexperienced for a bit part in an independent feature?
I honestly think if I didn't have those down times and questions though there would be something wrong; like I wasn't being honest with myself about the situation and I was living in a fantasy or whatever.
Anyway, it just sucks. I was so excited. Finally a chance for a real film with my proper accent and actual paid work; I have been finding the part of myself that words can't describe where I'm in the moment and the character is there and the focus and the real world doesn't exist; there is no other world; there's just this rush and me and the other person; connecting; the space in between us; the energy between our eyes, the passion and the words coming out the way they are meant to without forcing them out and really living them. Those are the moments I live for. Those are the moments I know God has given me because in some way this is what I am meant to do. I have no clue in what capacity; I just know I have to act somehow.
That disappointment though...I forgot what real disappointment is, and now that I've just touched on it I'm scared. Disappointment isn't the right word though; it's like being dumped or seeing your crush making out with your best friend.
Okay I'll stop being all philosophical and melodramatic and whatnot. It really is scary putting posts up like this for anyone in the world to read... Haha now I have to try and finish my two hander scene for my comedy class and figure out what I'm going to say in my stand up which I'm TOTALLY not ready for and pitch my television pilot.... This should be good; I'm totally in the comedy mode now, don't you think? :-p
As Randy Pausch said in his book The Last Lecture; "The walls are there to stop the people who don't really want it." And I really want it; they won't stop me. Sorry to go a bit Disney there; I told you I really do have this optimism in me... ;)
Comments
Post a Comment