So tired...I'm so so tired....I guess that's what happens when you don't get any sleep though. :-p
I have so much to blog about from the past two weeks still; being Angus Sampson's talent escort & how amazingly kind and humble he his & I am seriously his newest biggest fan, last week's comedy class with David & Dave, my market stall on Saturday (not completely acting related but if it wasn't for acting I might not be trying to do it as a career, and there are some rather entertaining moments...), and the first Encore Question Time this morning which I was lucky enough to be able to attend. (Thank you Denise & Miguel!) Plus pictures from the Australian Enemy shoot and some videos and other pics....gah I have a headache!
Oh man I'm just so shaky though; I hate this. There is so much I know I can do. I know I can act and I am meant to act, but sometimes I have to ask why. When I had my actual business meeting with a radio station to speak with them about advertising for Tafta last week it was so great; despite it being one of my first one on one B2B meetings I knew exactly what I was doing and what questions to ask and I just got this little excitement in me. It's hard not to feel like I'm wasting my life away following my dreams sometimes. I absolutely know that I will look back on my life and regret it if I do not give acting my all, and I would also always feel hypocritical telling my children to follow their dreams knowing I didn't follow mine. I always knew acting was difficult which was why I spent so long deciding if I wanted to actually follow it as a career. (Sorry dad, I know you wish I hadn't chosen the career...) But the things you know are difficult you don't understand until you actually go through them. I guess it's like Chris was saying at the breakfast this morning; we don't truly learn from mistakes until we commit them ourselves. Unless we put ourselves in those shoes and live it, we can't understand it.
I wonder what I could be doing business wise or where I would be if I didn't care about acting. There are a couple of jobs I have been offered I know I could have. I would have a nice salary, Kalon and I would be able to travel more, I wouldn't feel like some of the people who are most important to me are disappointed in me and see me as not living up to my potential; I almost feel like a failure in their eyes...
My friends are all getting so grown up; especially my Wisconsin friends. Almost everyone owns a house. And then there's me; still acting like a kid believing in her dreams refusing to grow up. I feel bad for holding Kalon back needing his financial support and all that I have leaned on my dad throughout the years too. I hope one day I can repay them.
At this breakfast I just went and totally put myself out there; my stupid anxiety totally took over though and I was nervous talking to people (important, important people, granted, like the GM of Sony for this part of the world, so some nerves are I suppose expected, but still....)
I hate the connotations people get when you say you are an actor. It's like they assume you don't want to grow up; take life seriously; that you're irresponsible, and all this other crap. Or that you are superficial and just want to be rich and famous and don't want to work hard or have a proper job. The truth is though you have to work so hard and be so professional and motivated to be successful; expect for those few crappy divas and other people who have somehow made it without much work ethic.
The hardest part is the putting yourself out there to be judged again and again and again. I don't care if people don't give me a part because I'm not right for the character physically or my interpretation is different or WHATEVER, it's the part before and after when you are talking to them and like today where I am introducing myself as an actor and it is me myself that is being judged. It's like going on job interviews again and again and again and again....never ending.
I have class with the amazing Tony Bonner on Fridays, and he said on his first day with us how we have to look into the mirror and be happy with the person we see looking back at us. It's funny how actors are supposed to be so confident, need to be, yet deep down we are all so insecure and looking for reassurance and acceptance. The psychology and psyche of actors is seriously a curious subject to me...
Anyway; I'm sitting at QVB in the city thinking of all the people I need to contact and scripts I need to learn and cleaning I need to do before the intensive this weekend and I know I need to look over my script again for my audition in 45 minutes. Oh yeah and I have to do all my work for my comedy class with practicing my stand up routine for tonight, finishing/editing my 2 hander scene, and working on my pilot to pitch. Tiredness is okay though; it's part of being an actor and I know there will be 14 hour days on the set. I just go back to why though...why is my body so programmed that I have to do this and won't be happy if I don't? I don't want to be famous, I could make plenty of money with my business skills and I have a passion for it. What is it in me that I have to suffer through the ups and downs and emotional turmoil? Okay; I know "emotional turmoil" feels overly dramatic, but seriously sometimes that's what it is.
Augh and I have no money and after my audition I will have to be strong and walk past all the shops and NOT allow myself to go in and look at all of the pretty beautiful things and packages for Christmas and go straight to the bus - do not pass go; do not collect $200. (Oh man wouldn't I love to collect $200 right now!)
Ok. Time to prepare for audition. It sucks that this profession is so mental. Last night I had so much to do and I was so worked up for this breakfast this morning and wanting to present myself well; I had considered just pulling an all nighter but was convinced that I would be better off getting some sleep. Too bad I think my body had already decided it wasn't going to sleep AT ALL! :-p So sleepy... so so sleepy....
I can't remember what else I was going to write... oh well... when can I sleep? be strong Kristen; no nap no sleep! :-p
Sorry this post was not as bubbly as usual; hopefully I will be able to make time for that part to come later...
I have so much to blog about from the past two weeks still; being Angus Sampson's talent escort & how amazingly kind and humble he his & I am seriously his newest biggest fan, last week's comedy class with David & Dave, my market stall on Saturday (not completely acting related but if it wasn't for acting I might not be trying to do it as a career, and there are some rather entertaining moments...), and the first Encore Question Time this morning which I was lucky enough to be able to attend. (Thank you Denise & Miguel!) Plus pictures from the Australian Enemy shoot and some videos and other pics....gah I have a headache!
Oh man I'm just so shaky though; I hate this. There is so much I know I can do. I know I can act and I am meant to act, but sometimes I have to ask why. When I had my actual business meeting with a radio station to speak with them about advertising for Tafta last week it was so great; despite it being one of my first one on one B2B meetings I knew exactly what I was doing and what questions to ask and I just got this little excitement in me. It's hard not to feel like I'm wasting my life away following my dreams sometimes. I absolutely know that I will look back on my life and regret it if I do not give acting my all, and I would also always feel hypocritical telling my children to follow their dreams knowing I didn't follow mine. I always knew acting was difficult which was why I spent so long deciding if I wanted to actually follow it as a career. (Sorry dad, I know you wish I hadn't chosen the career...) But the things you know are difficult you don't understand until you actually go through them. I guess it's like Chris was saying at the breakfast this morning; we don't truly learn from mistakes until we commit them ourselves. Unless we put ourselves in those shoes and live it, we can't understand it.
I wonder what I could be doing business wise or where I would be if I didn't care about acting. There are a couple of jobs I have been offered I know I could have. I would have a nice salary, Kalon and I would be able to travel more, I wouldn't feel like some of the people who are most important to me are disappointed in me and see me as not living up to my potential; I almost feel like a failure in their eyes...
My friends are all getting so grown up; especially my Wisconsin friends. Almost everyone owns a house. And then there's me; still acting like a kid believing in her dreams refusing to grow up. I feel bad for holding Kalon back needing his financial support and all that I have leaned on my dad throughout the years too. I hope one day I can repay them.
At this breakfast I just went and totally put myself out there; my stupid anxiety totally took over though and I was nervous talking to people (important, important people, granted, like the GM of Sony for this part of the world, so some nerves are I suppose expected, but still....)
I hate the connotations people get when you say you are an actor. It's like they assume you don't want to grow up; take life seriously; that you're irresponsible, and all this other crap. Or that you are superficial and just want to be rich and famous and don't want to work hard or have a proper job. The truth is though you have to work so hard and be so professional and motivated to be successful; expect for those few crappy divas and other people who have somehow made it without much work ethic.
The hardest part is the putting yourself out there to be judged again and again and again. I don't care if people don't give me a part because I'm not right for the character physically or my interpretation is different or WHATEVER, it's the part before and after when you are talking to them and like today where I am introducing myself as an actor and it is me myself that is being judged. It's like going on job interviews again and again and again and again....never ending.
I have class with the amazing Tony Bonner on Fridays, and he said on his first day with us how we have to look into the mirror and be happy with the person we see looking back at us. It's funny how actors are supposed to be so confident, need to be, yet deep down we are all so insecure and looking for reassurance and acceptance. The psychology and psyche of actors is seriously a curious subject to me...
Anyway; I'm sitting at QVB in the city thinking of all the people I need to contact and scripts I need to learn and cleaning I need to do before the intensive this weekend and I know I need to look over my script again for my audition in 45 minutes. Oh yeah and I have to do all my work for my comedy class with practicing my stand up routine for tonight, finishing/editing my 2 hander scene, and working on my pilot to pitch. Tiredness is okay though; it's part of being an actor and I know there will be 14 hour days on the set. I just go back to why though...why is my body so programmed that I have to do this and won't be happy if I don't? I don't want to be famous, I could make plenty of money with my business skills and I have a passion for it. What is it in me that I have to suffer through the ups and downs and emotional turmoil? Okay; I know "emotional turmoil" feels overly dramatic, but seriously sometimes that's what it is.
Augh and I have no money and after my audition I will have to be strong and walk past all the shops and NOT allow myself to go in and look at all of the pretty beautiful things and packages for Christmas and go straight to the bus - do not pass go; do not collect $200. (Oh man wouldn't I love to collect $200 right now!)
Ok. Time to prepare for audition. It sucks that this profession is so mental. Last night I had so much to do and I was so worked up for this breakfast this morning and wanting to present myself well; I had considered just pulling an all nighter but was convinced that I would be better off getting some sleep. Too bad I think my body had already decided it wasn't going to sleep AT ALL! :-p So sleepy... so so sleepy....
I can't remember what else I was going to write... oh well... when can I sleep? be strong Kristen; no nap no sleep! :-p
Sorry this post was not as bubbly as usual; hopefully I will be able to make time for that part to come later...
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