<sigh>. I hate post-shoot depression. This is what I call it. I have found I'm always sad when I get home from a shoot, and I think it's because I loved being on set so much and having the opportunity and I don't know the next time it will happen.
I was trying to this time be thankful for the experience and look forward to the next shoot and know that this is a step towards more shoots instead of being sad, but I knew it would probably be hard. I put more into this shoot than I have any other one, and more into this role than I've put into one in quite a while. I'm sad that I don't have that goal and shoot to work for now. It was a paid role, and it was a lead role. There was actual character there, and changes and pain and decisions and things to explore. Even if I do get more work and get paid work, I know that it will most likely be a while before I have a juicy role like that again where I was able to do a lot of real research and sink my teeth in.
I loved today. The first day was ok but I was too in my head. There were some scenes today I wasn't happy with, but I felt like I really used what I learned with Howard Fine. I have a better understanding what he means now about technique and craft, and the FREEDOM that technique will give you, not restriction. I put pressure on myself to cry and I got close to the emotions I wanted. I had moments where I felt the pressure "I have to do this, I have to do that," but I was able to move into the given circumstances and just feeling and being with my real emotions and living it.
I struggled with that yesterday, especially when it wasn't happening naturally. I think part of that is because I did some of my homework wrong. I did heaps and heaps of research, no doubt about it, and I know that is important too, but I didn't look at bringing that into the script itself enough, and how to take those things from Melinda's life and work them into the real moments and emotions.
I loved working with the director John Mavety too. (Umn, sorry if you read this and don't want me to say your name John or anyone else! If I write your name in here chances are we know each other well enough that you have my email, so email me and I'll change it! Otherwise if you don't have my email you are probably someone everyone comments on and you are used to it and don't really care what I have to say! :-p) ;)
Anyway, everyone was great, but John and the cinematographer Peter were so good to work with. It was a definite advantage of having two days to learn how to work with them and the best way to interact and see what they wanted and what questions to ask and what to work out on my own, the best time to ask questions, etc. I learned a lot too about making decisions on my own and not seeing what the director wants. (Are you bored yet?) ;)
I know that might sound like actor crap. It's so true though. I feel like I made a big personal step today getting to emotions under time pressure and pressure from myself. Yesterday I felt pretty crap when I got home. The day finished ok, but I knew I could have done so much better, and there were some scenes that felt so wrong and that's what's there forever.
Don't get me wrong; there were still plenty of scenes and moments I would have liked to have done better. I don't want anyone to read this and see a scene from today and go, "She thinks THAT is good??" I struggled with the actual murder scene. They shot my reactions to the murder before they had actually done any of the scene and the staging of it with the blood and everything, and then there are all of these people in between you and the actual scene you are watching with the camera and everything. I think I should have done more work on finding actual bloody crime scenes and how horrid they are, and the evil that is there, and finding the things that physically do make me feel ill from seeing them. I felt like I was pushing and indicating in that scene a bit. I do know why though, no doubt about that! The challenge is there when you have to see a scene that's not really happening, and that's the challenge of acting. And oh my; the stakes of what is involved and the scene I need to actually SEE - my lover murdering my husband. That point of no return, the decision that has been made, the blood that has been shed, and there's no turning back.
I think maybe one of the reasons I want to do television is because it is more consistent. I mean, granted, your character can always get killed off, and who knows if a network will decide to go ahead with a second season, assuming that the first season doesn't get cut before it finishes anyway. But I want to ACT. I want to work every day. When you finish a film you don't know when the next one will come. True, there are a lot more characters to explore when you do a variety of films. <Just have to randomly insert that my commercial is on again; they've played it way more than any others out of the three they made this campaign! It's weird just watching tv or having it on in the background and then there I am and I hear my own voice. Thank goodness I've gotten over hearing the sound of my own voice! I always want to judge my performance whenever I see myself, and there are times I have given up when I watch that one. It's a weird step moving forward that I'm seeing myself on national tv and don't care much. Of course I DEFINITELY care that I have the commercial itself, don't get me wrong there! It's just like "Oh, it's on again? Ok. That's cool." Will I have that with a tv show someday, where I am on tv five days a week in syndication and it's just "Oh, ok. That's Cool." !?!? And also of course it is still true that over half the people who know me wouldn't even recognize me the clip is so short and it's a wide angle from the side!> Umn, so yeah, where was I....?
I don't know. I just hate it when people label television actors below film actors. It's all acting, it all requires so much.
That was one thing that was interesting today; trying to maintain an emotional state that was intense for a while. And when they were doing my signature shot staring into the barrel of the camera and we did a bunch of vulnerable ones, then SWITCH and ok evil murderess ones, and SWITCH back to vulnerable, and SWITCH back to evil. I actually found the challenge of that really fun! I was nervous to ask to take a minute to do the first vulnerable to evil switch; I had been doing vulnerable for a while and needed to change things. I also feel like I made a lot of progress applying what I learned from John at Tafta with what I learned from Sam Atwell with Morris technique and what I learned from Howard Fine. I have learned now to focus on the physical feeling. Whenever I notice myself feeling a strong emotion in real life - joy, love, fear, sadness, nerves, shame, anger, etc, I try to take notice of how it physically feels in my body. Then finding what I really feel there in that moment on set, and how the given circumstances affect that, the breathing of the emotions going into the scene, etc, and kind of putting them all together.
And also I love Tafta for making me comfy cozy staring down the barrel of a camera for an ECU, no dramas. I love when I realize classes and everything actually have been paying off, slow but sure! ;)
I was a lot more focused on the acting craft itself today. Instead of talking with people and wanting to be social and get to know people I put character and getting ready for the scene first. I think I learned a lot about getting ready for shooting a serial or a soap or anything fast paced, where I can't depend on a director and rehearsal time and I have to get myself there.
OMG, so if anyone out there actually does bother to read this, I will be surprised if you are still reading now! You are probably like "Seriously Kristen - we get it. You made a breakthrough, you learned a lot, you applied this technique and that technique, you are fantastic, blah blah blah." Umn if you are, why are you still reading? ;) No, seriously, thank you for reading. Now you're starting to learn how crazy it is inside my head. ;)
Or maybe not. I don't publish just QUITE how crazy it is in here. Or maybe not even close.
Ok I'm too tired now to keep writing. I wanted to blog tonight while it was all fresh and then I was feeling really sad about the shoot being over and for some reason felt not only the need to write it down but the need to publish it for anyone in the entire world to read!!!
If (I mean, WHEN!) I do get famous someday, will any of this be used against me?
Oh but before I fall asleep typing there is one more thing I forgot to say - as actors we always think about how we don't get it right in the scene, and we want to do more takes to get it right because we feel like the performance is the only thing that matters. I understood better today how much everyone feels like this with make up artists and cinematographers and everyone who is trying to artistically do their best and put their best out there on screen for all eternity, and EVERYONE just has to learn to move forward and accept things. Ugh; I still shudder thinking of some bad acting I have done throughout the past few years that's been captured on screen though! Hopefully it will just be a good joke when I'm a talk show guest someday and nothing more. ;)
Ok tomorrow I hope I can write a post that's a bit less "actor"y and just more entertaining. There are definitely stories for that! I mean, hello, the film was set in the 80's, and it wasn't like cool fun 80's clothes, it was 80's "conservative Christian" clothes complete with the hair, again not fun 80's hair but Kristen's hair parted down the middle hair, which is NOT a real great look for me. That's all right it's part of the process, I don't get to choose how I look, it does make for some entertaining stories though. Especially when taking wedding and family photos for establishing shots; someone out there PLEASE remind me to share those FABULOUS moments! ;)
And finally, I apologize for all of my sentences continually going "oh, and..." "so..." "ok..." "anyway..." I imagine that gets tiring to read. My blogs are a random stream of thoughts which I type and basically don't ever look at again. If I did edit them, I'd never write them. If I went back and read them again, chances are I would never write any again. Or I would delete everything I had written so far.
Final finally, (I swear I keep closing my eyes and just resting my hands on the keyboard,) sadly no one ever got back to me after I stayed up until 5:30 in the morning researching and tracking down people who would have known David and Melinda and Mark or have had something to do with the murder. Oh well, what can you do? It was a long shot. There were some people I really thought would have gotten back to me. I suppose they do get tired of randoms like me contacting them though, and really, who can blame them??
Time for sleep now, and sweet dreams of faith in the future, persistence, shoots, winning my Emmy, winning my Oscar.... <sigh>........
;)
I was trying to this time be thankful for the experience and look forward to the next shoot and know that this is a step towards more shoots instead of being sad, but I knew it would probably be hard. I put more into this shoot than I have any other one, and more into this role than I've put into one in quite a while. I'm sad that I don't have that goal and shoot to work for now. It was a paid role, and it was a lead role. There was actual character there, and changes and pain and decisions and things to explore. Even if I do get more work and get paid work, I know that it will most likely be a while before I have a juicy role like that again where I was able to do a lot of real research and sink my teeth in.
I loved today. The first day was ok but I was too in my head. There were some scenes today I wasn't happy with, but I felt like I really used what I learned with Howard Fine. I have a better understanding what he means now about technique and craft, and the FREEDOM that technique will give you, not restriction. I put pressure on myself to cry and I got close to the emotions I wanted. I had moments where I felt the pressure "I have to do this, I have to do that," but I was able to move into the given circumstances and just feeling and being with my real emotions and living it.
I struggled with that yesterday, especially when it wasn't happening naturally. I think part of that is because I did some of my homework wrong. I did heaps and heaps of research, no doubt about it, and I know that is important too, but I didn't look at bringing that into the script itself enough, and how to take those things from Melinda's life and work them into the real moments and emotions.
I loved working with the director John Mavety too. (Umn, sorry if you read this and don't want me to say your name John or anyone else! If I write your name in here chances are we know each other well enough that you have my email, so email me and I'll change it! Otherwise if you don't have my email you are probably someone everyone comments on and you are used to it and don't really care what I have to say! :-p) ;)
Anyway, everyone was great, but John and the cinematographer Peter were so good to work with. It was a definite advantage of having two days to learn how to work with them and the best way to interact and see what they wanted and what questions to ask and what to work out on my own, the best time to ask questions, etc. I learned a lot too about making decisions on my own and not seeing what the director wants. (Are you bored yet?) ;)
I know that might sound like actor crap. It's so true though. I feel like I made a big personal step today getting to emotions under time pressure and pressure from myself. Yesterday I felt pretty crap when I got home. The day finished ok, but I knew I could have done so much better, and there were some scenes that felt so wrong and that's what's there forever.
Don't get me wrong; there were still plenty of scenes and moments I would have liked to have done better. I don't want anyone to read this and see a scene from today and go, "She thinks THAT is good??" I struggled with the actual murder scene. They shot my reactions to the murder before they had actually done any of the scene and the staging of it with the blood and everything, and then there are all of these people in between you and the actual scene you are watching with the camera and everything. I think I should have done more work on finding actual bloody crime scenes and how horrid they are, and the evil that is there, and finding the things that physically do make me feel ill from seeing them. I felt like I was pushing and indicating in that scene a bit. I do know why though, no doubt about that! The challenge is there when you have to see a scene that's not really happening, and that's the challenge of acting. And oh my; the stakes of what is involved and the scene I need to actually SEE - my lover murdering my husband. That point of no return, the decision that has been made, the blood that has been shed, and there's no turning back.
I think maybe one of the reasons I want to do television is because it is more consistent. I mean, granted, your character can always get killed off, and who knows if a network will decide to go ahead with a second season, assuming that the first season doesn't get cut before it finishes anyway. But I want to ACT. I want to work every day. When you finish a film you don't know when the next one will come. True, there are a lot more characters to explore when you do a variety of films. <Just have to randomly insert that my commercial is on again; they've played it way more than any others out of the three they made this campaign! It's weird just watching tv or having it on in the background and then there I am and I hear my own voice. Thank goodness I've gotten over hearing the sound of my own voice! I always want to judge my performance whenever I see myself, and there are times I have given up when I watch that one. It's a weird step moving forward that I'm seeing myself on national tv and don't care much. Of course I DEFINITELY care that I have the commercial itself, don't get me wrong there! It's just like "Oh, it's on again? Ok. That's cool." Will I have that with a tv show someday, where I am on tv five days a week in syndication and it's just "Oh, ok. That's Cool." !?!? And also of course it is still true that over half the people who know me wouldn't even recognize me the clip is so short and it's a wide angle from the side!> Umn, so yeah, where was I....?
I don't know. I just hate it when people label television actors below film actors. It's all acting, it all requires so much.
That was one thing that was interesting today; trying to maintain an emotional state that was intense for a while. And when they were doing my signature shot staring into the barrel of the camera and we did a bunch of vulnerable ones, then SWITCH and ok evil murderess ones, and SWITCH back to vulnerable, and SWITCH back to evil. I actually found the challenge of that really fun! I was nervous to ask to take a minute to do the first vulnerable to evil switch; I had been doing vulnerable for a while and needed to change things. I also feel like I made a lot of progress applying what I learned from John at Tafta with what I learned from Sam Atwell with Morris technique and what I learned from Howard Fine. I have learned now to focus on the physical feeling. Whenever I notice myself feeling a strong emotion in real life - joy, love, fear, sadness, nerves, shame, anger, etc, I try to take notice of how it physically feels in my body. Then finding what I really feel there in that moment on set, and how the given circumstances affect that, the breathing of the emotions going into the scene, etc, and kind of putting them all together.
And also I love Tafta for making me comfy cozy staring down the barrel of a camera for an ECU, no dramas. I love when I realize classes and everything actually have been paying off, slow but sure! ;)
I was a lot more focused on the acting craft itself today. Instead of talking with people and wanting to be social and get to know people I put character and getting ready for the scene first. I think I learned a lot about getting ready for shooting a serial or a soap or anything fast paced, where I can't depend on a director and rehearsal time and I have to get myself there.
OMG, so if anyone out there actually does bother to read this, I will be surprised if you are still reading now! You are probably like "Seriously Kristen - we get it. You made a breakthrough, you learned a lot, you applied this technique and that technique, you are fantastic, blah blah blah." Umn if you are, why are you still reading? ;) No, seriously, thank you for reading. Now you're starting to learn how crazy it is inside my head. ;)
Or maybe not. I don't publish just QUITE how crazy it is in here. Or maybe not even close.
Ok I'm too tired now to keep writing. I wanted to blog tonight while it was all fresh and then I was feeling really sad about the shoot being over and for some reason felt not only the need to write it down but the need to publish it for anyone in the entire world to read!!!
If (I mean, WHEN!) I do get famous someday, will any of this be used against me?
Oh but before I fall asleep typing there is one more thing I forgot to say - as actors we always think about how we don't get it right in the scene, and we want to do more takes to get it right because we feel like the performance is the only thing that matters. I understood better today how much everyone feels like this with make up artists and cinematographers and everyone who is trying to artistically do their best and put their best out there on screen for all eternity, and EVERYONE just has to learn to move forward and accept things. Ugh; I still shudder thinking of some bad acting I have done throughout the past few years that's been captured on screen though! Hopefully it will just be a good joke when I'm a talk show guest someday and nothing more. ;)
Ok tomorrow I hope I can write a post that's a bit less "actor"y and just more entertaining. There are definitely stories for that! I mean, hello, the film was set in the 80's, and it wasn't like cool fun 80's clothes, it was 80's "conservative Christian" clothes complete with the hair, again not fun 80's hair but Kristen's hair parted down the middle hair, which is NOT a real great look for me. That's all right it's part of the process, I don't get to choose how I look, it does make for some entertaining stories though. Especially when taking wedding and family photos for establishing shots; someone out there PLEASE remind me to share those FABULOUS moments! ;)
And finally, I apologize for all of my sentences continually going "oh, and..." "so..." "ok..." "anyway..." I imagine that gets tiring to read. My blogs are a random stream of thoughts which I type and basically don't ever look at again. If I did edit them, I'd never write them. If I went back and read them again, chances are I would never write any again. Or I would delete everything I had written so far.
Final finally, (I swear I keep closing my eyes and just resting my hands on the keyboard,) sadly no one ever got back to me after I stayed up until 5:30 in the morning researching and tracking down people who would have known David and Melinda and Mark or have had something to do with the murder. Oh well, what can you do? It was a long shot. There were some people I really thought would have gotten back to me. I suppose they do get tired of randoms like me contacting them though, and really, who can blame them??
Time for sleep now, and sweet dreams of faith in the future, persistence, shoots, winning my Emmy, winning my Oscar.... <sigh>........
;)
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